Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

mmelinger ♦ April 17, 2018 ♦ Leave a comment

Herbie, baby!

Howie.

First off, thanks for taking this meeting.  You won’t regret it.

You got five minutes.  Whaddaya got?

This is one of those stories with everything, trust me. YUGE box office.  It’s about a guy who’s elected President–

Waidaminnit.  You want me to take a flyer on a political drama?  Forget it!

No, wait!  This one’s different.  This guy is completely unrelatable.  He’s rich, entitled, racist, obnoxious, hates women–but somehow he gets elected.

Why does he even want to be President, if he’s got all that going?

Oh hell, who cares?  Maybe he wants to convince Daddy he’s not such a screw-up.

Wouldn’t be the first time, I guess.

OK, so just hear me out.  We follow him from the campaign–oh, the campaign montage is a beaut!  He insults the other candidates, calls them names, mocks the disabled, whips his crazy-ass supporters into near-riots at every campaign stop–

Ho-hum, been there, Bulworth.

No, wait, this is just the start!  He gets elected!

Nobody’s gonna fall for that.

It’s a movie, right?  But he gets in.  Now once he’s there, it becomes clear he hasn’t Clue One how to run the country.  He’s used to the boardroom, where he snaps his fingers and his lieutenants fall to.  If things go south, he just fires them and starts over.  No consequences for this guy, ever.  So that’s how he plans to get things done in Washington.

What party is this guy?  Independent, I guess?

No!  He’s a Republican!  And the party hates him, but they go along to get the rest of what they want.  So anyway–

Hold it.  You’re saying a major political party gets behind this lunatic?  You’re certifiable.

No, THEY are–it’s like mass insanity.  I dunno, hypnotism, drugs–we’ll work out the details later.  But they’re mostly behind him, OK?  A few short-timers speak up, but they’re voted off the island.

Hmmm…

OK.  So.  Our guy’s in office, floundering around, and he decides the only thing to do is to overturn everything the guy before him accomplished.  So he sets about wrecking everything from the past eight years–repealing legislation, pulling out of historic partnerships, destroying the environment–he packs his cabinet with lackeys–

You’re boring me to death here.

No, but this is where it gets good.  He gets sued by a porn star.

Man or woman?

Let’s say woman.  Gazongas out to here.

OK, better.  Then what?

So she says that she was paid off, which he denies, and then his lawyer gets involved, and the FBI comes in–oh yeah, I forgot to mention there’s a special investigation started on him, because it’s starting to look like the Russians helped get him elected.

I think you got too much in this story.  Let’s stick with just the porn star.

But it all ties together, see?  Turns out our guy went to Russia before he got elected, and they secretly film him with some hookers peeing on a bed in front of him–

Whoa there!  What rating you going for with this smut?

PG-13.  It will be tasteful.

How are you gonna–

We’ll work it out, OK?  Oh!  Also, the guy has this beautiful trophy wife–much younger, of course–and she wants nothing to do with him.  Bats his hand away in public, sleeps in a separate room, probably knows about all his affairs–but she hangs in there for the ride.  He’s got her pre-nupped to the wall.  She’ll be foreign, exotic.

Who do you like for the wife?

We’re thinking a Sophia Loren-type.  Anyway, it all starts to unravel–the FBI raids his lawyer, which sets up a showdown with this straight-arrow Special Prosecutor who’s been looking into the Russia thing, and then it comes out that the main newscaster who’s been reporting all this–and who’s been in our guy’s pocket since Day One–is also using the same lawyer!  He’s mixed up in it too!

What are you going to call this mess?

We were thinking…”The Aristocrats”.